Last week, I shaved my head. Many friends and family members have asked why. Many have assumed.
Perhaps it’s an assertion of freedom, a visualization of Zero-Fucks-Given. It is not. I give many fucks about many things and don’t go through life with a sense of entitlement about absolute freedom. I find this idea to be irresponsible. As a person on this planet, consuming massive amounts of oxygen and food, and outputting tons of waste and debris, each one of us better give a serious fuck.
Perhaps it’s a statement about how a woman’s worth does not lie in her physical appearance. This topic is certainly relevant, as we continue to suffer the Trump presidency and to be horrified by the weekly exposés of powerful men using their powerful platforms to wave their dicks around (literally and figuratively). As much as I’d like to say that was my motivation, it was not.
This is about sadness at profound loss, about the inability to accept what cannot be changed after 38 years of railroading my way through life’s toughest challenges. This is about looking on the outside how I feel on the inside – being trapped in a straight jacket, ever-tightening, inducing panic, inducing madness. The mind is impotent in such a state. The heart is broken in the clench of it’s own pain.
This is about returning to prayer, because rationality only goes so far.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
And the courage to change the things I can
P.S. A difficult post to write, especially as I didn’t provide any specifics, which is annoying to anyone who reads it. However, it’s not my story to tell. The reason for sharing on a public forum is to process my own thoughts and feelings, and also remain emotionally honest with people who interact with me on two fronts
- I do not want to take credit for noble missions I am assumed to be associated with, but are not my motivation in this instance.
- I don’t want to just write about things that make it seem like I have my shit together and life is a string of perfect sunsets, travel and quality time with friends and family. The struggle is real.